


past tense

by Kissthexgirls



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alex and Maggie are married, F/F, Gen, I'm Sorry, Past Tense, Sanvers - Freeform, Were - Freeform, this is angst through and through
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-10-29 06:21:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10848246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kissthexgirls/pseuds/Kissthexgirls
Summary: Trying their best? Their best better be pretty damn good because there’s no way she could do any of this without Alex. She needed her. She couldn’t imagine a life without Alex in it. From the moment they met Maggie knew Alex was special. And as the days, the weeks, months, years went by she knew she couldn’t have been more right. Alex was her rock. Alex kept her going. She needed one person right now, and that was the one person she couldn’t see.-or-the one where life was good until it all changed





	1. past tense

**Author's Note:**

> I AM SO SORRY

Alex could tell.

 

Alex could always tell when something was different with Maggie. Even if it was small - especially if it was small. She was sure she knew Maggie better than she knew herself. A shrug and the loss of the usual glint in her eye at the end of the day meant that she’d had a rough day. Conversations would be minimal and they would go to sleep. Alex comforting Maggie by holding her in her arms. But today? Today, Maggie had extra swing in her step, her eyes sparkled, her skin was glowing - all of those more than usual. Maggie was radiating good energy in a way that Alex hadn’t seen since their wedding day.

 

“Good morning. You’re in a good mood,” Alex commented, already dressed in her tactical uniform. She had to get an early start at the DEO yet somehow Maggie managed to beat her to waking up.

 

“It’s a good day, Danvers,” she smiled handing Alex her coffee. Alex noticed that Maggie’s usual coffee was replaced with water, but she didn’t say anything.

 

“What makes today so special?”

 

“There’s a surprise.”

 

“A surprise? Oh, come on, Mags. You know I hate surprises!” Alex protested with a small smile. She tried to use her eyes to beg, hoping to melt Maggie but Maggie held strong, much to Alex’s dismay.

 

“I promise, Danvers. This one is worth the wait,” she couldn’t keep the cheeky grin off of her face. “You’ll find out when you come home tonight.”

 

“Deal,” Alex smiled lightly. “Listen, I should probably go. Aliens await.”

 

“Be safe and kick some ass. I love you.” Maggie smiled and placed a kiss on Alex’s lips.

 

“I will try my best. I love you too. See you tonight,” she smiled before walking out the door.

 

Maggie - having the day off for once - decided she’d run a few errands while she had the time. But slowly the hours began to tick by, and Maggie felt anxiety ball up in her stomach. Maggie wasn’t sure what was causing her to worry. Alex had been late before. Both of their jobs were pretty unpredictable, but this time it felt different. Maggie couldn’t put her finger on why, but she convinced herself to brush it off. Alex always came home at the end of the day.

 

So Maggie waited.

 

And waited.

 

And waited.

 

She thought about calling J’onn, making sure everything was okay. That there wasn’t some rogue alien she didn’t know about. Maybe Kara would know. She always knew where Alex was and Alex the same. Nothing could separate those two. But she knew Kara. She would have called if something went wrong. Winn, maybe? Someone at the DEO had to know.

 

That’s when her phone rang.

 

Maggie doesn’t remember the drive to the hospital. She found herself sitting in a cold and quiet waiting room with no answers. Kara is seated next to her, they make pained eye contact every few minutes. Shifting in the uncomfortable chairs and making small sighs as time ticked on. She could see the guilt on Kara’s face. She’s probably blaming herself. Still, hope remained in their eyes when they met.

 

Winn, James, J’onn waited with them. Kara’s friends. Then Alex’s friends. Finally their friends, the family they’ve made. They’re nervous. Legs shaking, heads in their hands. Maggie can feel a glimmer of hope in them.

 

_ Eliza _ . She was the only one she didn’t feel hope from. Like she already knew something the rest didn’t. Mother’s intuition maybe? She hoped it wasn’t.  _ Prayed  _ that wasn’t the case. Eliza quickly became the parent figure Maggie had been missing since her parents kicked her out at 14. Watching her go through something like  _ this _ . Waiting. Scared. Confused. Alex - her only biological daughter - and nobody has answers. Nobody even knows if she’s okay. She couldn’t imagine the pain Eliza was feeling. Here they all were, sitting ducks. Waiting for answers. Maggie needed more. She needed to know, but she didn’t. All Maggie knew - all any of them knew - was they were ‘trying their best’ and that they should ‘prepare for the worst’.

 

Trying their best? Their best better be pretty damn good because there’s no way she could do any of this without Alex. She needed her. She couldn’t imagine a life without Alex in it. From the moment they met Maggie knew Alex was special. And as the days, the weeks, months, years went by she knew she couldn’t have been more right. Alex was her rock.  _ Alex _ kept her going. She needed one person right now, and that was the one person she couldn’t see.

 

Prepare for the worst? What did that mean? That’s what they say when hope runs out. That’s what they say when they’re wishing for a miracle. But there was still hope right? If they were trying their best there has to be hope. Maggie tried to convince herself all of that was true but it only became harder moment after moment. She sighed.  _ How do you prepare for - _ she couldn’t even bring herself to think of the possibilities.

 

A man came out in scrubs. One look and Maggie could tell.

 

She sank into the chair. Her body was numb. Cold. Her chest felt heavy. Her stomach in knots. She could hear her heartbeat in her ears. She buried her face in her hands, covering her mouth as the nausea stuck with her. She doesn’t remember if she cried.

 

Kara was at her side - Kara was crying - arms wrapped around her. She wasn’t Alex. Maggie wanted Alex.

 

Maggie doesn’t know what happened after that.

 

Somehow she managed to pick herself up and go home. Earth shattered. Her whole world halting before it crumbled.

 

Someone called her boss and told her she wouldn’t be in a for a while. Somehow he got the whole story. Or he must have. “Take all the time you need, Detective..”

 

Someone arranged the services. A beautiful church. An open casket. A headstone.  _ Alexandra Danvers  _ engraved into it.

 

Someone told them Alex’s favorite flowers. They picked a song attempting to capture Alex’s inner beauty.. 

 

Someone picked a dress trying to capture Alex’s outer beauty..

 

Nothing did her justice. Nothing would ever do her justice. Only Alex could do that.

 

Someone did Alex’s hair. Her makeup. She looked beautiful. But Maggie couldn’t get past her stillness. The quiet.

 

Maggie wrote a eulogy. Presented it. Reminding the world of just how beautiful Alex Danvers is...  _ was _ . _ Past tense. _ How strong, how brave, and how undeniably selfless she is...  _ was _ .  _ Past tense _ . 

 

Somehow she made it through without crying. Somehow she still hadn’t cried. Not anywhere near like she thought she should. She shed a few tears here and there but nothing like the faucet she imagined. She was just numb. Cold. Broken. Lost. Confused. A million emotions swirled through her. She’d usually talk to Alex.

 

Maggie called Alex’s phone over and over just to hear her voice. Each time she heard the line her chest ached. Each time she heard her voice, she willed Alex to come back to her. Still, she didn’t cry. Numb. Maggie found herself looking through her phone filled with old pictures and memories of the time they’d spent together. But what she would do to hear her breathe. What she would do to feel the warmth of her body next to her. What she would do to feel her arms wrapped around her again. Maggie didn’t cry. She was numb.

 

Maggie sat alone in an empty apartment wearing Alex’s t-shirt. The one she’d worn the first night she’d slept in the apartment -  _ her _ apartment. The apartment that - while it started as just hers - it quickly morphed into theirs.  _ Hello Sunshine,  _ the shirt read. Maggie almost scoffed at the irony.

 

It’d been over a week since she left the apartment. Two weeks since Alex... Everything remained untouched and just how Alex had left it. Her favorite hoodie laying on the floor in the bedroom from where she changed that morning. The sheets still untouched on Alex’s side of the bed. Her toothbrush still sitting on the counter even though it always annoyed Maggie that she wouldn’t just put it in the holder. What she wouldn’t give to have that petty little argument with her again. Alex’s favorite coffee mug still rested in the sink where she’d had left it _that_ morning when Alex ran out the door so full of life and with just a gentle kiss. Her bag of personal effects rested by the door of the apartment where Maggie had dropped them the night Maggie got home without her. From the night Alex...

 

Maggie couldn’t say it. She couldn’t think it. In her mind, if she didn’t think the word, it wasn’t real. It didn’t happen... but it did.

 

Alex Danvers was...

 

Alex Danvers is...

 

Alex Danvers...

 

Maggie shook her head. Staring at a photo of her and Alex framed on the wall. She wanted so badly to drown her sorrows in alcohol. Anything to get her away from the hole she felt. But she wouldn’t. She  _ couldn’t _ . So she sat. Unmoved. Unchanged. 

 

There was a knock on the door and her heart fluttered. A small part of her expected it to be Alex, expected it to be the woman she wanted to see more than anyone else on the planet, but then she remembered. Alex Danvers is...

 

She doesn’t even remember saying ‘come in’.

 

Kara could tell.

 

She didn’t say anything. It wasn’t her place. Maggie would tell her when she was ready.

 

“I brought... ice cream. Vegan ice cream.” Kara said gently as she walked into the apartment and sat the bag and a pizza box on the counter.. “Alex always told me how much you liked it. She says she doesn’t but I’m not sure I believe her.”

 

_ Believed.  _ Maggie thought.  _ Past tense. Alex Danvers is.. _ .

 

Maggie just nodded not even turning her head. She couldn’t look her in the eye. Even though the two weren’t biologically related Kara still reminded her of Alex, and looking at her - knowing that she couldn’t see Alex - killed her inside.

 

“I brought pizza too. I thought you’d need food.” Kara continues. “Have you eaten anything?”

 

Maggie shrugged. She’d eaten a few bites but nothing substantial in the two weeks since since Alex... Two weeks... It didn’t seem real.

 

“You need to eat.” Kara willed.

 

Maggie nodded. “It’s been so -  _ quiet _ \- without her,” she rasped. She hadn’t spoken since the funeral.

 

Kara nodded, joining Maggie on the couch. She remained quiet.

 

“I just - I had so much to tell her. We - we were - we were going to just be so  _ happy. _ ” Maggie shook her head. Her eyes stinging with tears. She forced them back. She knew the second she started crying she wouldn’t be able to stop. “I’m -  _ god _ ...” Maggie let out a deep breath.

 

“You’re pregnant.” Kara finished for her.

 

Maggie looked over at her, her soft eyes giving confirmation. “You know? H-How?” She had barely spoken to anyone since she found out, let alone spoke about the pregnancy. If she was honest, that was the last thing on her mind.

 

“I can - hear it. The heartbeat. The super-hearing - it never goes away and I can’t turn it off. It used to drive me crazy when I first came to Earth. I could hear everyone’s hearts pounding in their chests and right now - you have two heartbeats.” Kara gave a small smile, laced with sadness. “I was always confused when I would hear two heartbeats but it finally clicked.”

 

“Right.” Maggie nodded. “So you knew  _ that _ night? And - at the...?” A gentle hand moved to rest on her lower abdomen. The corners of her mouth flicked upwards before she bit her inner lip.

 

Kara nodded slowly. “I didn’t want to say anything. It wasn’t - it wasn’t my place.” She stopped for a moment and looked around the room. Maggie could see the tears glossing her eyes just from being there. “When I first came to Earth, I was a bit of a mess. No, I was a  _ lot _ of a mess. My hearing - was probably the hardest to adjust to. I mean, the glasses suppressed my vision but my hearing couldn’t be suppressed and I - I just couldn’t function. Alex would always come find me and she would tell me to listen to her heartbeat. That it would help. And it did. So whenever I was overwhelmed I listened to her heartbeat. Still do -” Kara’s voice softened. “ _ Did.” _

 

“Yeah.” Maggie nodded, biting the inside of her cheek as a tear feel. “I always fell asleep to the sound of her breathing.”

 

“I can’t imagine what you’re feeling.’

 

“It’s not easy, Little- Kara.” She’d always called Kara ‘Little Danvers’ but she couldn’t even bare to say the name. “And I can’t even drink... probably for the best..” Maggie shook her head. “I just can’t believe she’s not going to be here to see this kid. We’ve been dreaming of this for - what? - almost a year and now...” Maggie swallowed hard.

 

“She would have been ecstatic.. I don’t think I ever saw Alex Danvers at that level of happy.”

 

Maggie offered a small smile at the thought. Definitely the first since... “I told her it was a surprise.” Maggie said quietly.

 

“What?”

 

“The morning before she... I told her it was surprise. I’d taken the test when I woke up that morning. She was still asleep. I was going to surprise her when she got home. I should have j-just t-told her..” Maggie’s voice began to shake and crack as she held back tears. This time less from what happened and more from what should have happened. 

 

“You didn’t know. It’s not your fault. I would have - I would have wanted to surprise her too.” Kara shook her head. “Do you - do you need anything?”

 

“If you’ll just - will you stay? I just - it’s too quiet.”

 

Kara nodded. “I’ll stay with you.”

 

Maggie and Kara sat in quiet company as they were alone in their thoughts. Maggie got up once and Kara heard sounds of retching from the living room and winced at the sound. She couldn’t imagine going through everything she was with morning sickness on top of it. Maggie returned wearing Alex’s favorite hoodie - it smelled like her. She wrapped herself in Alex’s favorite throw blanket and finally exhaustion took over. The presence of Kara, the scent of Alex. This time Maggie actually slept. She didn’t wake up to a nightmare of the way Alex Danvers... She slept.


	2. present tense

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first kick. Maggie could only imagine the way Alex’s face would light up when she felt the little movements under her hand. The stupidly large smiles they wouldn’t be able to wipe off with the tiny hint of feet bumping the edge of Maggie’s small bump that seemed to grow more and more with each passing day. Alex leaning down and kissing her stomach and talking to the baby, and of course getting defensive when Maggie tried to make fun of her.
> 
> Maggie smiled at the kicks. Just not nearly as widely as she should.
> 
> \- or -
> 
> the one where maggie goes through pregnancy alone. with kara.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> meet the baby. cry about the baby. very baby. it's like the angstiest and saddest fluff i've ever written. how do i do this?

The next few months didn’t get any easier. In fact, with every milestone in Maggie’s pregnancy, it got harder. She only missed Alex more.

 

The first ultrasound, where Maggie finally got to hear her baby’s heartbeat, she managed to keep it together in the office but she cried for hours after she went back to the apartment. Alex was supposed to be there with her. She was supposed to hold her hand, and they would smile at each other, and relish in the most beautiful sound their ears had ever heard. And then they were supposed to come home and stare at the blurry black and white image of their little blob. Giggling to each other about all the little dreams they had of what the baby would look like or how all of their family would react when they finally told them about the pregnancy.

 

But Maggie was alone.

 

Alex was supposed to be there to hold her hair back as Maggie went through - what seemed to - the never ending morning sickness. To tell her to take it easy with the horrible fatigue. Remind her to take naps and to eat little meals.

 

But she was alone.

 

They were supposed to be over the moon excited to tell everyone. They were supposed to spend hours upon hours trying to figure out the perfect way to let everyone know that there would be a new family member in a few months. All the laughter at the cheesy ideas that were running through both of their minds. 

 

Now, nothing seemed right. Every possibility left an all too bitter taste in her mouth. She finally decided to just tell everyone. Nothing special. No cheesy tshirts or gifts. She relished in the anticipation but the idea to go all out fell away quickly. It all felt like too much. The announcement came off Maggie’s tongue far too bittersweet for her taste when she didn’t have Alex by her side.

 

The first kick. Maggie could only imagine the way Alex’s face would light up when she felt the little movements under her hand. The stupidly large smiles they wouldn’t be able to wipe off with the tiny hint of feet bumping the edge of Maggie’s small bump that seemed to grow more and more with each passing day. Alex leaning down and kissing her stomach and talking to the baby, and of course getting defensive when Maggie tried to make fun of her.

 

Maggie smiled at the kicks. Just not nearly as widely as she should.

 

The late night cravings runs where Alex would complain about having to make a run to Taco Bell at midnight - but it wasn’t like she was going to let Maggie go - and the baby wants what the baby wants. The baby doesn’t care what time it is or how comfortable they both were watching that movie. Taco bell was more important.

 

Instead, Maggie ignored her cravings, too exhausted to even get off the couch. Or out of bed. It was far too much work anyway.

 

Arguing over whether or not to find out the sex. And then arguing over names. And what color to paint the nursery after they eventually found out it was a girl.

 

That was all up to Maggie now even though with every decision that she had a thought of ‘would Alex like that?’ that followed immediately.

 

Alex would have made fun of her for not being able to get off of the couch but at least Maggie would have had help. At least she wouldn’t have had to figure that one out on her own. She did it. It always took her far too long but she would eventually get herself to stand.

 

That first contraction - where Alex definitely would have panicked - Maggie would have to calm her down. ‘It was just one, Danvers. Don’t get too excited.’ She would have still gotten too excited. She would have run around the house like a madman trying to get the bags together and make sure the car seat was installed properly and the nursery was ready because everything had to be perfect for the baby. Alex would have a worse nesting phase than Maggie even though Maggie was the one stuck at home on maternity leave.

 

Instead, Maggie waited it out by herself. Yeah, she told Kara. And yeah Kara was immediately - literally within seconds - by her side. Kara was with her throughout the entire pregnancy. But still, when she went an entire week having intermittent contractions she wouldn’t have felt as alone as she did without Alex.

 

And when her water finally broke, Alex would have been about seventy-two kinds of nervous and excited. Running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to make sure they were ready even though she’d checked to make sure they were ready more times than Maggie could count. She would find it endearing and a little bit frustrating because all she really wanted was for Alex to hold her hand through the contractions.

 

But without her, Maggie was by herself. Yeah, she still had Kara, but Kara wasn’t Alex. And Maggie wanted Alex as the contractions grew stronger. She wanted Alex as the pain got worse and the pressure built. Kara’s hand just wasn’t the same. It didn’t fit quite right.

 

Maggie needed Alex.

 

“I can’t do it.” Maggie shook her head. She was restless. Exhausted. And in more pain than she’d ever felt in her life. And that was coming from a person that had been shot on multiple occasions. “I can’t do this.” It seemed to be her catchphrase throughout labor. After fifteen hours of contractions and probably the longest 57 minutes of her life as she pushed on top of that, Maggie was done.

 

Kara was always there to combat it. She needed Maggie to know that someone was here to support her. And she knew she was the closest thing to Alex she could get. “You can. You’re doing this. You’re almost done. I can see her head, Maggie. Take my hand and push.”

 

Pushing was almost unbearable. Alex was supposed to be here for this. She was supposed to be here telling her how good she was doing. She was supposed to be here for Maggie to glare at because goddammit if she wasn’t in so much pain, she’d kill her right now. Kill her for convincing her do this. Those chiche words of encouragement slowly starting to piss her off rather than help her. Each push took far too much effort out of her. There was a constant burn and the pain hadn’t let up for more than twenty seconds at a time. It wasn’t many pushes later that a shrill cry filled the room. That sound quickly became the most beautiful sound on the planet. She was here. She was healthy. She was perfect.

 

Alex should have been there for that first cry. She would have argued how much she wasn’t going to cry but then the baby would cry. And Maggie would cry. And when Maggie would look over at Alex she would see how Alex was crying too with probably the biggest smile she’d ever seen.

 

But without Alex, even the birth of her daughter was bittersweet. There was still an undertone of sadness hiding under the scream of her daughter’s cries.

 

There were so many ‘she’s beautiful, maggie’s and ‘alex would have loved her’s that she almost couldn’t take it. Each reminder of Alex was met with a small, sad smile. But somehow, when she looked down at the baby, the hole that she’d felt in her chest for months was filled a bit. She saw so much of her wife inside of her daughter. Their features were so similar. It’s like she was Alex made over. There was no longer and intense pang stabbing her chest. There was still an ache, but she was healing.

 

“Welcome home, baby girl.” Maggie whispered as she pulled the baby out of the carrier and moved her gently into her arms. “I wish your Momma could have been here for this. She would have loved you so much. She would have been so excited that you were home.”

 

“It’s just you and me kiddo.” Maggie padded through the apartment, trying to get settled with a new baby rested soundly in her arms. She was alone in this and she wasn’t quite sure what she was going to do, but she’d figure it out. “I think your Aunt Kara is going to come visit you a little later though. And I promise, we’ll go visit Momma when you get a little bigger and it gets a little warmer outside.”

 

Maggie moved over to the couch and laid down, resting her newborn on her chest and pulling a blanket - Alex’s favorite throw - around them. A framed picture of her and Alex hung on the wall opposite to her and Maggie just couldn’t bring herself to pull her eyes away. “Your Momma - she was a light. Sure, she didn’t have it all figured out but she fought for who she loved. She fought for everyone and never - she never stopped fighting. Not even after she left us. She just loved everyone around her so much. I wish she could have met you. You would have been her pride and joy. I can just see the smile she’d have on her face when she looked at you.” Maggie ran a gentle finger over the very edge of the newborn’s hair. “I love you. And your Momma loves you. Don’t ever forget that. I will be there for you. No matter what baby girl. You will always - always - have me.”

 

\---------

 

“She’s three months old, Alex.” Maggie said, rocking the baby in her arms with her back up against the grey stone that signified where Alex was buried. She needed to feel close to her and being close to her name somehow helped. It was a good thing it was warm out. There was no way she was going to bring a infant out in the cold. “She’s so beautiful, Alex. So beautiful. She looks so much like you. Her hair, her eyes. They’re all - they’re just all you. I just - I wish you could be here to see her. You would - you really would have loved her. I know we tried so hard - and you fought so hard to stay alive that night. But I’m pretty sure the universe couldn’t take two Alex Danvers’.” Maggie felt a tear fall as she let out a wet chuckle and ran her free hand over the engraving of Alex’s name in the gravestone. “I would have brought her to visit earlier but she was too small, and it was too cold. I didn’t want a sick baby, either. I can’t believe it’s been a year without you.” Maggie shook her head. This had probably been the hardest year of her life, losing the love of her life and creating a new one. The baby, though - she was worth it. 

 

“I named her after you.” Maggie continued. “Jamie Alexandra Danvers-Sawyer. Kind of long but it’s a beautiful name for a beautiful baby girl. I thought about making her first name Alexandra but Kara said that might get confusing and I guess she’s right. Still think we could have called her Lexie but I like Jamie. It’s a good name.” Maggie shrugged gently. She brushed her hand lightly over the baby’s cheek.

 

“Kara’s been my rock through this. I - I don’t know what I would have done without her. I don’t think I would have made it. I wouldn’t - I wouldn’t have made it. I don’t know how I would have even told anyone if it wasn’t for Kara’s super hearing and her saying something to me first. I love you. So much. And i don’t know if I could have ever shown you just how much I loved - love - you. I know I told you every time i got the chance but it still never felt like enough. Even when we were fighting. I just - I couldn’t let you think that I ever stopped loving you. Even for a second. I never did. I never will.” 

 

Maggie was interrupted by the small whimpers coming from the bundle of blankets in her arms. “Shhh - baby - it’s okay. you’re okay.” Maggie cooed quietly. “I guess that’s my cue to leave, Little Bit’s getting hungry. Motherhood calls.” Maggie gave a light laugh and a sad smile as she ran her hand over the engraving one more time after she stood up. “See you around, Danvers.” She muttered quietly.


	3. future tense

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I miss her.” Jamie admitted. “Is miss even the right word? I mean, I never even met her. Can you miss someone you’ve never met?"
> 
> “Yeah, you can. She was your mom. You can miss her even if you didn’t meet her,” Kara's tone was soft. Gentle. Just how Jamie imagined Alex's tone to be. "I'm sure - out there somewhere - she misses you too."
> 
> Jamie gave a gentle nod. Kara was right, but it didn’t seem like she had the same connection with Alex as her mom or aunt did. It felt different and a lot more... distant.
> 
> Kara looked back up at her niece with a glint of an idea in her eye. “What would you say to her? If you could meet her? What would you say?”
> 
> -or-
> 
> the one where jamie meets her mom and she's an awkward ball of stress and anxiety

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK I AM REALLY SORRY YA KNOW I JUST THIS ONES THE SADDEST FLUFF DEFINITELY
> 
> it's also longer than the other two chapters i got carried away. but i was talking to @karadanversofel on tumblr and she gave me the idea for this chapter so thank her

“- and where the hell do you think you're going?" Maggie bit off. The argument between her and her daughter raising her stress and anger level significantly. 

 

“Out.” Jamie bit off in the same tone, grabbing her car keys and walking out the door, closing it a bit harder than usual. The sound resonated for a while in the doorframe long after she was gone.

 

Her anger quickly fell to tears of frustration as she drove with one destination in mind. She hated fighting with her mom but they just seemed to butt heads so often. It wasn't all the time. It didn't always happen but when it did they were heated for a while. She usually turned to Kara. She'd quickly become an older sister figure in her life even though she was her mom's age. Either she went to Kara or she went to the one person she’d never met but felt a true connection with. 

 

“Momma.” Jamie breathed, a few stray tears already rolling down her cheeks, as she sat down at the headstone. 

 

Yeah, it was raining. No, she didn't care.

 

"Mom and I had a fight. I don't even really know... or - or care what it was about. It was stupid. So stupid. But I still just stormed out of the house and the first place I thought to come was here.” She let herself take a quick glance of the sky, the dark clouds covering the blue. “I miss you, Momma. And I know I never met you but everything everyone has told me about you - I wish I would have gotten the chance to, ya know? Mom - she really loves - _loved_ \- no... loves you. I can tell. And sometimes - and I know she doesn't want me to know this but I know the difference between happy dimples and sad dimples - sometimes she still gets teared up when she talk about you. Or thinks about you. Or looks at me. She's always told me how much I have your eyes. And Aunt Kara misses you so much too. She talks about you all the time. I mean you've been gone for like 16 years and she still hasn't run out of stories to tell me about you. You all were amazing.” Jamie sniffled a bit with a small shrug.

 

"It isn't fair, Momma. And they always tell me how you were saving the world and you risked your like to keep me safe even though you didn't even know there was a me to keep safe but it isn't fair. You should have been able to meet me. You should have been there to see me every step of the way ya know. All the stuff you missed. It isn't fair. And it’s really not fair that I don't know what your voice sounds like or the way you smell. And I don't know how it feels to be held in your arms because right now - right now all I really want is a hug from you. I want you to be here to tell me that mom is just looking out for me and that she loves me and that it’s all going to work out because that's just what it does. The world has a funny way of working out but I can't have that and I'm just so pissed. I wanted you there Momma and I want you here.”

 

Jamie sat there for a while longer. She wasn’t even sure how long she’d been there at this point. All she knew was that she was soaked with rain water and it seemed to be getting dark outside. She sighed when she saw a familiar face appear in front of her that called out to her, “What are you doing out here?”

 

“I could ask you the same question.” Jamie shrugged.

 

“Well, I’m out here because your mom was worried about you. She said you all had a fight and that you’d been gone for hours.”

 

“So the first place you thought to come was here?”

 

“Yeah, Jamie, I know you. I know you always run to Alex when you have a problem.”

 

“I miss her.” Jamie admitted. “Is miss even the right word? I mean, I never even met her. Can you miss someone you’ve never met?”

 

“Yeah, you can. She was your mom. You can miss her even if you didn’t meet her,” Kara's tone was soft. Gentle. Just how Jamie imagined Alex's tone to be. "I'm sure - out there somewhere - she misses you too."

 

Jamie gave a gentle nod. Kara was right, but it didn’t seem like she had the same connection with Alex as her mom or aunt did. It felt different and a lot more... distant.

 

Kara looked back up at her niece with a glint of an idea in her eye. “What would you say to her? If you could meet her? What would you say?”

 

She looked up at Kara with a furrowed brow - something about the question seemed like Kara had a plan, or at least an idea for one - and shrugged. “I don’t know. I just want to talk to her and hear the sound of her voice. And I want to give her a hug and know what she smells like. And I just - I wanna know all these things that pictures and stories can’t tell me.”

 

“Listen, I have a friend - Barry - he can travel in time. He might be able to get us back so that you can meet her. But you have to promise me something. Promise me you won’t tell her who you are or where you’re from. This is universe changing stuff, Jamie. You have to realize that.”

 

Jamie’s eyebrows were tightly knit together as her aunt began to explain a plan that sounded like something out a of a science fiction movie. And if her aunt hadn’t been an actual alien from a different planet, she would have thought she was insane. “You - you could - I could meet her?” Her eyes grew wide at the thought. Meeting Alex - meeting her mom - would probably complete Jamie’s whole life. It was the one thing she wanted to do. The one thing she dreamed about doing. The one dream she had that she thought she’d never in a million years be able to achieve. “I - I promise. I won’t change history - or whatever - just let me meet my mom. I need - I need to meet her.”

 

\-------------------------

 

She was beautiful.

 

The short dark brown hair almost the same color as her own. The soft brown eyes that matched her’s perfectly. The way her aunt let out a small gasp when they both laid eyes on her at the same. That was her. It was really her.

 

It was really her and she was so beautiful.

 

That was Jamie’s first thought seeing her mother. She was so beautiful. Perfect. She’d seen her in photos and videos. She’d seen her face before, but nothing compared to seeing her in person. None of those photos and videos did Alex Danvers any justice.

 

As she got closer, more and more nerves welled up in her stomach. The feeling of butterflies completely consumed her. Her hands shook and she was pretty sure she was sweating despite the obscene amounts of deodorant she’d put on that morning. She thought about turning around. Walking away. She was too nervous. She was going to make a fool of herself and it wasn’t like Alex was going to know who she was anyway. She’d seen her. That was enough, right? And what if she slipped? What if she changed the course of history? What if she prevented her whole existence? Or somehow kept her mom alive? It would mess up everything. A paradox, right? The world explodes. Everyone crashes and burns. All because she called her mom ‘Mom’ at the wrong time and in the wrong place.

 

If it weren’t for Kara pushing her forward she would leave.

 

A quick stumble forward and Jamie found herself speaking. “Hey - uh - is this seat - is there anyone sitting here?” Jamie asked, her voice shaking. 

 

Alex looked up and narrowed her eyes. The restaurant was practically empty yet here Jamie was asking her to sit at this table with her. “Uh - no. No - there’s no one sitting here.” Her voice was soft. Fluid. Light. It was just like she’d imagined.

 

“Cool.” Jamie nodded and sat down. Stopping when they finally made actual eye contact. Kara was right. They did have the same eyes. Tears stung at the edges of her eyes and she blinked them away. She was so beautiful.

 

Don’t mess this up. Stay calm, Jamie. Stay calm.

 

She’d been staring. And she was pretty sure she’d only noticed she’d been staring because Alex seemed to get more and more uncomfortable as time passed. A shift in her seat. A clearing of her throat. Not that Jamie really cared. She just wanted to drink the whole thing in. She wanted to memorize every facet of her mother’s features. Each pore. Each freckle. Every little scar or scratch. She wanted to know it all. She wanted it permanently burned into her memory. She didn’t want any of this to end.

 

They take their orders. Jamie orders the same thing as Alex. She needs to know what her mom likes.

 

The food’s sat in front of them but Jamie doesn’t eat. She just stares and watches and observes. It wasn’t until she saw Kara waving at her out of the corner of her eye that she’s pulled away from watching Alex. God, she probably looks so sketchy and weird and absolutely insane. Kara motions something along the lines of ‘start eating this is weird’. Jamie tries to strike up a conversation instead.

 

“So - uh - Mo - Al - what’s your name?” Going well already, Jamie reprimands herself.

 

“Alex.” It was a simple reply to a simple question. “Who are you?”

 

“I - uh - I’m Jamie.” She responds, her voice a bit shaky. It makes it seem like she’s lying. She’s not. “Food here’s good, right?”

 

“Yeah... although I’m not sure how you’d know. You haven’t eaten any of it.” Alex commented motioning toward the plate that remained untouched.

 

“Right.” Jamie nodded, finally taking a small bite. This is going so well for me. Something on Alex’s face screams that she heard Jamie almost call her both Mom and Alex. She elects to ignore that entirely. Let’s not create a paradox, Jamie. “And the weather’s - uh - the weather...” she comments. She was going to say nice but honestly she didn’t know the slightest bit about what the weather was like.She’d only been here for like 20 minutes and yeah the weather was nice in present time but this was like 20 years ago. This interaction just got better and better and Alex just got more and more leary of the entire thing. Jamie’d always been told how much Alex hated opening up. 

 

“Listen, kid, I’m not sure why you’re here but - “ Alex began. 

 

“I - like your shirt.” Jamie moved to the edge of the chair as she cut Alex off. “Gottagobye,” came out as all one word as she motioned to stand but that motion was immediately met with an obvious death glare from Kara. And death glares from Kara usually followed with heat vision. So, Jamie returned her butt to the chair with a huff and faced Alex once again. “I’m Jamie,” she started again. This was already going better.

 

“You’ve informed me.”

 

“I just - I’m sorry. You look like - you look like someone.” she shrugged. She wasn’t sure if that was any less creepy but at least she was starting to form a connection.

 

“Oh?” Alex’s voice was laced with intrigue. It begged for more. She was getting somewhere. It was working.   
  


“Yeah. You look like my mom.” A perfect balance of the truth and a lie. She’d remarkably improved from thirty seconds ago. Now, hopefully she could soar. “She - uh - she died when I was a baby and from all the pictures and stuff I’ve seen you just reminded me of her and this is probably kind of weird. Like, maybe, maybe I should go.” Jamie shrugged. It all seemed so crazy coming out of her mouth. She doubted it was any less crazy to hear. glancing down as Alex tried to make eye contact. What if Alex noticed their resemblance too? Then what? She’d be known as the girl the screwed up all of history solely because her mother survived.

 

“No, no. It’s okay. You can stay.” Alex shook her head and Jamie slowly raised to meet the woman’s eyes. “I don’t have to be anywhere for a while. I can hang around with you if you want. Are you alone?”

 

Jamie shook her head and made quick eye contact with Kara before she moved back to Alex’s eyes. It wasn’t like she wanted to stop studying her face anyway. “My - uh - aunt went somewhere. She said she’d be back in a while. So, I guess technically right now I’m alone, but she’s coming back. I’ll, ya know, have an adult with me or whatever.”

 

“That’s good,” Alex nodded softly.

 

Jamie could tell she still thought this was weird but at least she was playing along. She’d gotten Alex to bite and that was a feat all of its own. The rest should be easy enough. She just had to hold a conversation with the woman. She made a quick glance up to Kara to tell her it was alright. That things were actually going smoothly now that she’d warmed up to the thought of sitting in front of her dead parent.

 

And somehow they ended up talking for far longer than just a few minutes. The two of them acted like they’d known each other forever. They talked about everything under the sun in happy company. Jamie enjoying the time she got to laugh with her mother. Her laugh was amazing. The sound of her voice was amazing. She was amazing. The sparkle in her eyes. The way that they lit up when she was talking about someone or something she truly loved. The gentleness of her smile as she listened to Jamie ramble on about something random. Alex Danvers was amazing. Jamie just wished she got to keep her around.

 

The pleasantness of it all was interrupted by the ringing of Alex’s phone. She pulled it out and made a quick glance at it. Eyes wide as she noted the time and who was on the caller ID. “Sorry, it’s my girlfriend. I gotta - I gotta take this.” Alex excused herself with a  before standing up from the table. “Hey Mags,” she smiled as she stepped away for a moment.

 

Jamie’s heart skipped with the nickname. Nobody was allowed to call Maggie that. She always freaked out when someone called her that.  Not her. Not Kara. No one.And it always confused her when she flipped. It didn’t make sense as to why. Now, Jamie knew why. That was Alex’s nickname for her. That nickname was sacred. It was theirs. It died when she died.

 

Jamie was pulled out of her thoughts when Alex returned back to the table, “Hey, it was really great to meet you Jamie, but I’m late for movie night. Again. So I should probably get going.” Alex said as a very short goodbye. Timidly, she offered her arms out in a hug.

 

A hug.

 

It seemed so simple but Jamie had to physically stop herself from running into Alex’s arms. That hug was all she ever wanted.

 

She probably lingered far too long, but Jamie just couldn’t seem to let go. To let her go. She breathed in Alex’s scent. The smell of lavender conditioner that coated her hair. It seemed to be a similar scent that covered the rest of her body. Most of all, Alex smelt like home. Alex smelt like what she’d been missing for sixteen years.

 

She tried to memorize the way it felt to be held in Alex’s arms. The way it felt to be comforted by her and held by her. She tried to put this hug into many different situations and see how it would change. Maybe a sad hug was a bit tighter to remind her she was always there for her. A congratulatory hug was lighter and maybe came with a ‘I’m proud of you’. A quick hug goodnight. A snuggle on the couch as they watched some dumb movie they would both inevitably fall asleep during. One thing Jamie knew for sure with this hug - besides how much she was going to miss it - was Alex was a lot stronger than she looked. Which was kind of intimidating in a weird way. Although, when she thought about it, Maggie was a lot stronger than anyone else would expect too. She had badass moms. She was proud of her badass moms.

 

But - even though the hug had lingered - the hug ended all too quickly. Even though Alex and Jamie had talked for hours, Alex was still gone too soon. Watching Alex walk out the door - knowing that she’d never see her again - killed Jamie inside. There was a sudden emptiness. A loneliness. Alex was gone. Her mother was gone. Her mother - that just seconds ago was full of life - was dead. And the weight of that was hitting her with the force of a freight train.

 

There was hole. A missing piece. A void. She felt empty - hollow. She knew what she was missing. She was missing a lot. She was missing someone she loved. Someone she’d never get back.

 

She was missing a beautiful human. A human that - even though she’d only talked to her for a couple of hours - she could tell was so full of unconditional love. So selfless. Protective. Caring. She was everything Jamie could have wished for and more. She was everything Jamie’d imagined and more. She was all of those things... and more.

 

‘Was’ being the operative word.

 

She is the woman Jamie wants to grow up to be. She is a hero in Jamie’s eyes. But she also is dead.

 

Alex Danvers is... dead.

 

It wasn’t news. Jamie’d talked about it with everyone in Alex’s life. Jamie’d been to Alex’s gravesite more times that she could count and for as long as she could remember. Good days, bad days, anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, random tuesdays when they just missed her. But it felt different now that Jamie’d met her. Much more humbling. Much more mournful.

 

She didn’t realize she’d been holding back tears throughout the entire interaction until right now. Right now when she was standing in the middle of a restaurant trying to hold herself together enough not to full on sob and fall to the ground pleading for Alex to come back like a child. She tried wiping the tears away. She tried to stop them from flowing but they only came faster. They only replaced themselves in higher volumes.

 

She felt arms around her again but they weren’t the same. They weren’t the arms she really needed. They weren’t the arms she missed. The weren’t the arms that smelled like lavender. They weren’t the arms that felt so much like home she was sure she could just set up shop right there. They weren’t the right arms. They weren’t Alex Danvers’ arms. “S-she’s gone, A-aunt Kara. Sh-she’s really gone.” Her voice came out in more of a strangled squeak than actual words. They managed to climb there way to the top of the pit of grief Jamie had become.

 

There was a quiet ‘I know’ as she the arms gripped her a little bit tighter. They stood there for a while longer - undoubtedly getting worried looks and strange glares from the others that were filling the restaurant - before the voice finally spoke again. “Come on, Jamie. Let’s go home.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that's all folks. i hope you all enjoyed this fic. it was so much fun to write despite the sheer amounts of pain it caused me. if you all have any requests feel free to leave them in the comments below or message me on tumblr @burnthexashes (honestly hit me up there if you just want someone to talk to. i love friends). anyway leave me some feedback if you enjoyed it and hopefully i'll be able to get up some more fics soon !!


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